I've been lying in bed for this entire zoom call due to a migraine but I just came to my computer to tell you you’re not alone. This week I found out that my brain tumor might have grown a little since my surgery in June. They said it may have just been healing and settling, whatever that means, but the course of treatment is staying the same.

I also met with a dermatologist that Trisha recommended and she gave me very little hope that my hair would ever grow back. I decided to go on a shopping spree to target to make me feel a little better. Is this considered a conflict?

Lastly, after a few more screenings for the trial drug I will be starting next week, found out I may have some breathing issues. What?

I turn 30 in two weeks and do you want to know what hurts the most? The fact that my hair may never grow back again. Every 3 months I get a weave sewn in to cover the large void that was stolen from me through radiation. Do you want to know I’ve been doing to keep busy? I’ve been reading about famous people that have overdosed on drugs trying to understand why people look towards drugs as a form of release. I don’t know if I understand it but I thought it would help me find some peace in the process. I don’t do drugs, I’ve maybe done a couple of things about 10 years ago but quite frankly I'm afraid my brain wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m even afraid of going on rollercoasters.

But what I’m afraid of most is never having my hair back. Never having the feeling of my future husband running his hands through my hair comfortably. It’s just hair though right? A lot of people wear weaves and I’ve met a great woman in the process, Samantha. A beautiful soul, a single mom who gives me hope every time she sews my hair in.

It's also my little brothers 21st birthday in 2 weeks and all I can think about is not being able to celebrate it fully. I’m talking alcohol and getting blackout drunk in vegas. Gambling. Just having a carefree time. But the world is not in a carefree state right now and that is just the reality. My older brother asked me what was more important: celebrating this year or being alive for all the other ones and I know I needed to hear that. He always has a way of pumping reality and grace into a situation.

I will be ok, we all be ok. I’m not sure why each of us has been dealt the cancer card, but I sure as hell am grateful for the person I’ve become. It’s ok to feel the darkness sometimes, just as long as we eventually see the light. The light makes things visible as afraid as we are to face them sometimes.